It's been a minute, and I've had some time out, after promising more from myself and this space. I've been meaning to write this post since June 2018 when I first, spontaneously drafted a note on my phone while on the bus. It quickly became rather meaningful and poignant, which obviously meant I then hid it away until today. But I wanted to be open, and perhaps this could be therapeutic, as in the past year I've been through pretty drastic, personal transformations. It began with the most emotionally challenging project of my life, which in the end I was only grateful for, as it meant a new Megan emerged - And a girl who we now call 'Susan' was pushed away. That's where the note on my phone comes in, it was only 6 months later that the same 'Susan' returned, and at that point I was in the middle of my final term of second year at drama school. This also meant that pressures were tougher, and the ever-looming third year was upon us.
It was also at this time that I had blood tests for my possible iron deficiency (Update: It's all good), only to realise that it was 'Susan' again. The nervousness, the palpitations, it was her for sure. By giving this feeling a physical name it meant I could cope with it, but it also became apparent that it meant I could never be rid of it. Over the summer, she faded away again, and then this Christmas she hit harder than ever. This winter was one I'd rather forget, I closed myself away and didn't talk to anyone; which of course is the worst thing to do, anyone will tell you that. My physical confidence was low, I began doubting myself again, and this time for good measure, I couldn't sleep without feeling like my chest was a big, bass drum. Now we're in 2019 and it's meant to be fresh starts, new beginnings, but I'm not doing that because I know this isn't something I can just click off - It's going to take some time again.
As I graduate this year, I know that I'm going to have that time I need, to feel positive physically and healthier emotionally. As for this moment in time, I'm coping, and I want that to be known. I'm sure I'm not the only one right now feeling like this, especially if you're a fellow student in their final year - Know that you're not alone, it's normal. Right now I'm in a much better position than I was a month ago, despite the creeping shadow of Susan still lingering. But for my own well-being, I wanted to share the letter I wrote to her, as I think it's time I heard it again. So stop reading here if you like, this is for me:
"Dear Susan,
You're time is up. I don't care if you've found yourself comfortable after all these years, quite frankly your hold over me has ran past it's due date. I'm tired. How you make me feel has become boring, and not only do you hold me back, but you stop me from ever flourishing - Being the 'me' that I want to be.
So let's go back shall we? You probably came into my life far earlier than I remember. Although from what I do remember, your presence has only grown stronger over the years. As I left school, I thought that I'd finally got rid for good, but little did I know that you'd always be there. In college, same story, the feeling of freedom from you was always temporary. Towards the end of last year I managed to confront you during a play called Yerma, and we battled with literal blood, sweat and tears for that role - I have witnesses to prove it. It took strength, both emotionally and physically, and after those worst and best weeks of my life I learned how to shut you down. But of course, that was all temporary, right?
Only a handful of people know who you are, but I wanted more to know just how destructive you can be. And it's not just me, I'm certainly not alone in this. For me, the only thing that's different is that you've been given a name - Susan. You're my block. The doubt. The self-consciousness. The fear. The withdrawal. Susan.
You've been smothering me heavily for the past month, and after all the work I did, I'm even more disappointed in myself for letting you come back. I'll be open here, I've been experiencing what feels like a quarter-life crisis, although I've only given it that title to make light of the situation as per. In reality, I've had this feeling before, only not as severe. Doubting my abilities, overthinking, closing away, not taking care of myself - All of these have been playing on my mind, to the point where no amount of tomato garlic breads and crying at The Greatest Showman can make me feel better. (Yeah, I was late to the bandwagon back then)
Of course it's going to take more time to find that place again, where I can be truly free from you. Moving forward I know what I need to do, although it won't be easy for this current Megan to kick her arse into shape. To be honest, the only reason I'm writing this is for the hope that it does exactly that for me.
So Susan, will you be staying long? I only ask because I've got somewhere to be, a happier life to be living. Take this as your final warning."
Thank you.
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